Looking back last months - an endless dance.

When I look back the last months - a lot of changes around me. 
I had to stop working, my boss told me so. 
She saw I had reached my limits and even gone beyond. 

I had to go for  the doctors
to get my status of employee's illness confirmed.
And I was afraid they would force me 
to run any tests or accept any treatment.
Our health system has its own rules,
and a non-treatable illness is no illness.


Yet doctors did not dare to touch me
when I showed my blood work results
(and I did not encourage them to do)
and now I am retired 
(gosh, happy to be old enough to can do that).

So I have been spending four months off work,
I was hoping to feel some kind of release. 
Nope.

It took me 4 weeks to adapt to the new rhythm, 
although I know it is much better 
to stay off stress and hurry. 
I got more time to think, 
and Borrelias make you just think of - Borrelias.

Slowly slowly - after 2 months - 
I could find some change and felt better - 
kinda came out of a deep dark valley - 
and it was in September I said to my husband: 
Look, I can move so much faster than before, 
I spend hours without pain, 
my nights are no nightmare anymore.

Unfortunately I had to learn what stress can cause to me. 
A friend of mine passed away and I felt much grieve.
I do not know whether it was just for this reason - 
but all symptoms flooded me again 
and I found myself thrown back at the sofa 
with fog in brain and aching body. 
The lesson is: avoid any stress! If you can.

Another bioresonance session showed 
no living Borrelias in my body. 
Ok, tell it to my brain and stop panic. 
Times will change and change again. 
An endless dance. 

Time to attack those little critters... now!

I should call for next appointment for bioresonance session!

When I started with bioresonance sessions in december 2011

I was found full of living Borrelias. In arms, in legs, in head

(well, that I could feel myself as the hurt talks clear language)

.. but in my heart too! .... oooops. Scaring.

Second session in january >>> less borrelias

Third session in february >>> can say, 

no living borrelias anymore.

But, BUT: bioresonance reaches 

- like antibiotics or other meds -

just the adult living bacterias. 

Yet borrelias can hide and survive as cysts 

and get active again - and trust me, they'll do!

Well, for what reason ever.. 

I just did not fix next bioresonance session in time. 

So it was July and they found borrelias again in my body and brain.

This time I wrote it down in every available timeplaner: 

fix next bioresonance session!

Well I cannot say I have no pain or I feel cured. 

But the idea that at least no proceed seems possible - isn't that great? 

The dammages borrelias have left with the years 

still cause problems yet there is hope to see them heal with the time. 

For this reason I try to support my body and strenghten my mind too. 

And this without antibiotics.

Strange that just bioresonance got such a bad reputation. 

Most people I know have tried once, yes ... 

but left after first trial because of poor results (at the firs moment), 

or because of scaring detox reaction... 

but they did not continue treatments, just continued taking pills.

Please note, this is just my very own experience, 

in no case any advice.

The Rhythms of Borrelias

One of the rhythms I am aware now is the lunar one.

I never felt troubled related to moon phases. 

But I am now. 

New moon and the day before and after... oh my goodness. 

Nothing stays the same but one is for sure.. 

nothing's getting better with new moon.

Another rhythm is my morning lag. 

Whatever bothers me, 

it is worse in the morning and getting better in the afternoon. 

Well, before I am getting tired again.

The third rhythm I found is night activity. 

One of the reasons might be the fact

that I know I won't find sleep unless I feel really exhausted, 

mind must be too tired to notice the pains

which become more evident with inactivity.

This causes an average sleep of about 4 hours

as I need to get up early on working days.

From time to time my fatigue is stronger than my troubles

and these are the nights I am sleeping 7 to 8 hours -

if possible. My husband had to get used to.

About stress, e-smog and how borrelias love it

I am happy that I am still part of the working world. 

Every Monday, Wednesday and Thursday 

I put my pains and trouble at side 

and throw myself into my job's tasks. 

This keeps me off thinking and feeling 

and checking and evaluating 

what's going on in my body and mind as to Lyme.

Fine! ... but.... stress becomes a problem more and more, 

and I feel stressed fast. 

What might have caused me a laugh at 30 years, 

have been a challenge at 40 years, 

has become an enormous attack on my body and mind nowadays. 

Hypersensible to e-smog (an office full of electric and electronic stuff) too, 

I feel my skills fading like snow in spring. 

One day work and I am done for the next. 

Thinking... God, let me retire as soon as possible. 

After a stressless weekend... I am motivated and really want to go on working.

An endless up and down. 

Yes, like a dance. 

Just have not yet found out the diverse rhythms. 

One for sure is work on/work off.

Bioresonance

I had another appointment for bioresonance treatment
after a break since early December 2011.
Well I felt scared because symptoms seem to proceed
although last bioresonance showed me off living borrelias.

So this time just some living borrelias was found in my brain
which means to me, regular biroresonance treatments 
may keep reproduction and flooding under control.


So my disfunctions and pains are caused by damages
already happened in the past
and they may hopefully fade or at least not get worse.

From tears to smile

I seldom have a headache but today I felt bad with bang head and a light virtigo. It was going for migraine and on my way home from office I had tears running down my cheeks. Not just because of pain, not really - but because of general weakness, general bad feeling. I did not even know exactly why tears were falling. Was like an all over resignation.

Anyway, that little pain killer did its job (I really try to avoid meds, this time I allowed myself to take one pill as this would be better than crash with a sick headache for 24 hours). Now I am back on line, on life - smiling. Off pain.

See, those Borrelias are dancing with me. Sometimes changing within a few hours. I should not forget this when it comes to pain next time.

Better dance than fight - so let's bolero

Doing my usual hot - hot! - shower to relieve pain and feel free, with the water stream new thoughts and ideas seem to stream into me too. So this is what I got today:

To fight against someone/something, you need to have the will, to be strong enough and to know much about the enemy. Many believe that life itself means fighting against all odds. Even birth can be a fight, not to talk about the end of life. Is it what I was looking for?  

What is the message of my lyme disease? I do not know enough about them borrelias, I have no chance to kill them all, I am not strong enough for it - not physically nor in my mind. So the message to me is... if I cannot fight I need to look for co-operation. Dance with them if you cannot kill them. I will try to learn more about them and listen.

My very first blog, let's see...

Since I have found out that it is Lyme Neuroborreliosa my life has changed. I wonder how much it has changed - as nothing happened but the fact that all my temporary symptoms have a common title now. I am still the same but I am scared now and I realize that I cannot stop thinking nor talking of it, and that might be annoying to my family and friends.

For this reason I am looking for a space to talk, to release and of course to listen. Maybe there is somebody knowing how I may feel, knowing about a life with pain and fatigue. Not always like that, but often and switching from moment to moment.

Let's see... what blogging can do? (It is my very first blog, lol)