Again: No stress, please

When I look back since last entry,
it has been a good summer,
much better than I had thought it could be.

Often I really felt fine after a day without pain,
just the poor - very poor - results of my actions
proofed that I was far from what I had been once.
And I still am far away, just have to accept and let go.

I cannot even get the most simply works done,
need - not hours, oh no - days or weeks
to get some tasks done.
It must be a good moment to start,
brain without fog AND body without pain.
And these golden moments don't happen too often.

It is a great challenge to handle this,
stop justifying, stop comparing and feeling low.
Especially when I get told I am looking good
and feel I am expected to deliver more than I actually do.

A human being should not been measured
by the actions or results only.
This cannot be the goal of our life.
There must be something beyond.
I am looking in a different way now at people
who obviously seem to have problems
managing their daily life.
They are not necessarily lazy or stupid.
Who knows their handicaps? Who knows if they even know...

Pushing myself too much causes stress.
Stress causes pain and I will end up on couch
with a foggy brain, aching joints and burning skin.

It happened to me in september:
Just a call of a family member, just some bad words.
This was the start of a chain of painful reactions
together with a severe cold I happened to catch right then.
When I found back into my shoes finally
weeks have gone. Just a simple telephone call with bad news...

I remember I did not even dare to accept any call for some time.
It helped. Now I am smiling again and next time I will be able
to say NO in time to any stress other people would lay on me.

Valleys and Peaks

Hm, last entry in november 2012 -
how time is running fast!
How many times did I want to post something,
yet - the thought was too volatile to get caught and fixed.

And now, looking back at those months
I can see the continuance of this endless dance
with its many valleys and peaks.
Only a few of them outstanding in a way that I could remember.

One deep valley I had to run through
was the shingles I caught. Or better, they caught me.
Before I saw the rash I freaked out as I thought
it would be the borreliosis bothering me more than ever.

Although I felt relieved that it was "just" shingles
and would find an end after some time,
I suffered a lot from violent pain, not only violent
but also a for a long time and - not amazing -
I kept some pain as rememberance, as it happens to 5%.
Will see if I can get rid of it with the time.

So I spent February and March caring for my rash
and felt sick, sick and sick.
The only activity one could get me to
were the daily doggy walks.
I learned that moderate move like walking without hurry
is the best for my muscles and joints - and brain.
It was like a purgatory and I felt it might help.
I started with pain and dark foggy brain for my walk
and I got back after one hour with less pain and felt relieved.

With spring coming up my mood got better
and I could even smile from time to time
(gosh, I think I had forgotten to smile for months before!).
I started to remember those initial contemplation exercises
which I used to do 20 years ago: walking meditation.
Poor results at the beginning
as I was not able to keep focused for even 30 seconds.
Yet day by day I felt better and more light inside.
I was amazed about the immense grief, aggression and desperation
I found inside myself.
By walking and breathing I let them go, again and again.

Looking back I can say now
that I still have my moments, hours and days
full of pain and foggy brain.
Yet I am starting to feel the rush of a sudden happiness,
delicate and volatile but powerful,
how I used to feel so often in the past before borrelias had overcome.

Another important improvement
I get by daily (well, almost daily) exercise of the 5 Tibetans.
I started with 3 repetitions and I felt like a 100 year old woman.
Nothing left from years with yoga and meditation exercises,
just a stiff aching body with weak joints.
Now I am with 13 repetitions of each of the 5 exercises
and I feel how they strengthen and balance both my body and mind.

That encouraged me to restart with Tai Chi
I once have done for some years, long long ago.
Thanks to youtube I found some videos
to relearn and exercise whenever I feel for it.