Again: No stress, please

When I look back since last entry,
it has been a good summer,
much better than I had thought it could be.

Often I really felt fine after a day without pain,
just the poor - very poor - results of my actions
proofed that I was far from what I had been once.
And I still am far away, just have to accept and let go.

I cannot even get the most simply works done,
need - not hours, oh no - days or weeks
to get some tasks done.
It must be a good moment to start,
brain without fog AND body without pain.
And these golden moments don't happen too often.

It is a great challenge to handle this,
stop justifying, stop comparing and feeling low.
Especially when I get told I am looking good
and feel I am expected to deliver more than I actually do.

A human being should not been measured
by the actions or results only.
This cannot be the goal of our life.
There must be something beyond.
I am looking in a different way now at people
who obviously seem to have problems
managing their daily life.
They are not necessarily lazy or stupid.
Who knows their handicaps? Who knows if they even know...

Pushing myself too much causes stress.
Stress causes pain and I will end up on couch
with a foggy brain, aching joints and burning skin.

It happened to me in september:
Just a call of a family member, just some bad words.
This was the start of a chain of painful reactions
together with a severe cold I happened to catch right then.
When I found back into my shoes finally
weeks have gone. Just a simple telephone call with bad news...

I remember I did not even dare to accept any call for some time.
It helped. Now I am smiling again and next time I will be able
to say NO in time to any stress other people would lay on me.

Valleys and Peaks

Hm, last entry in november 2012 -
how time is running fast!
How many times did I want to post something,
yet - the thought was too volatile to get caught and fixed.

And now, looking back at those months
I can see the continuance of this endless dance
with its many valleys and peaks.
Only a few of them outstanding in a way that I could remember.

One deep valley I had to run through
was the shingles I caught. Or better, they caught me.
Before I saw the rash I freaked out as I thought
it would be the borreliosis bothering me more than ever.

Although I felt relieved that it was "just" shingles
and would find an end after some time,
I suffered a lot from violent pain, not only violent
but also a for a long time and - not amazing -
I kept some pain as rememberance, as it happens to 5%.
Will see if I can get rid of it with the time.

So I spent February and March caring for my rash
and felt sick, sick and sick.
The only activity one could get me to
were the daily doggy walks.
I learned that moderate move like walking without hurry
is the best for my muscles and joints - and brain.
It was like a purgatory and I felt it might help.
I started with pain and dark foggy brain for my walk
and I got back after one hour with less pain and felt relieved.

With spring coming up my mood got better
and I could even smile from time to time
(gosh, I think I had forgotten to smile for months before!).
I started to remember those initial contemplation exercises
which I used to do 20 years ago: walking meditation.
Poor results at the beginning
as I was not able to keep focused for even 30 seconds.
Yet day by day I felt better and more light inside.
I was amazed about the immense grief, aggression and desperation
I found inside myself.
By walking and breathing I let them go, again and again.

Looking back I can say now
that I still have my moments, hours and days
full of pain and foggy brain.
Yet I am starting to feel the rush of a sudden happiness,
delicate and volatile but powerful,
how I used to feel so often in the past before borrelias had overcome.

Another important improvement
I get by daily (well, almost daily) exercise of the 5 Tibetans.
I started with 3 repetitions and I felt like a 100 year old woman.
Nothing left from years with yoga and meditation exercises,
just a stiff aching body with weak joints.
Now I am with 13 repetitions of each of the 5 exercises
and I feel how they strengthen and balance both my body and mind.

That encouraged me to restart with Tai Chi
I once have done for some years, long long ago.
Thanks to youtube I found some videos
to relearn and exercise whenever I feel for it.

Looking back last months - an endless dance.

When I look back the last months - a lot of changes around me. 
I had to stop working, my boss told me so. 
She saw I had reached my limits and even gone beyond. 

I had to go for  the doctors
to get my status of employee's illness confirmed.
And I was afraid they would force me 
to run any tests or accept any treatment.
Our health system has its own rules,
and a non-treatable illness is no illness.


Yet doctors did not dare to touch me
when I showed my blood work results
(and I did not encourage them to do)
and now I am retired 
(gosh, happy to be old enough to can do that).

So I have been spending four months off work,
I was hoping to feel some kind of release. 
Nope.

It took me 4 weeks to adapt to the new rhythm, 
although I know it is much better 
to stay off stress and hurry. 
I got more time to think, 
and Borrelias make you just think of - Borrelias.

Slowly slowly - after 2 months - 
I could find some change and felt better - 
kinda came out of a deep dark valley - 
and it was in September I said to my husband: 
Look, I can move so much faster than before, 
I spend hours without pain, 
my nights are no nightmare anymore.

Unfortunately I had to learn what stress can cause to me. 
A friend of mine passed away and I felt much grieve.
I do not know whether it was just for this reason - 
but all symptoms flooded me again 
and I found myself thrown back at the sofa 
with fog in brain and aching body. 
The lesson is: avoid any stress! If you can.

Another bioresonance session showed 
no living Borrelias in my body. 
Ok, tell it to my brain and stop panic. 
Times will change and change again. 
An endless dance. 

Time to attack those little critters... now!

I should call for next appointment for bioresonance session!

When I started with bioresonance sessions in december 2011

I was found full of living Borrelias. In arms, in legs, in head

(well, that I could feel myself as the hurt talks clear language)

.. but in my heart too! .... oooops. Scaring.

Second session in january >>> less borrelias

Third session in february >>> can say, 

no living borrelias anymore.

But, BUT: bioresonance reaches 

- like antibiotics or other meds -

just the adult living bacterias. 

Yet borrelias can hide and survive as cysts 

and get active again - and trust me, they'll do!

Well, for what reason ever.. 

I just did not fix next bioresonance session in time. 

So it was July and they found borrelias again in my body and brain.

This time I wrote it down in every available timeplaner: 

fix next bioresonance session!

Well I cannot say I have no pain or I feel cured. 

But the idea that at least no proceed seems possible - isn't that great? 

The dammages borrelias have left with the years 

still cause problems yet there is hope to see them heal with the time. 

For this reason I try to support my body and strenghten my mind too. 

And this without antibiotics.

Strange that just bioresonance got such a bad reputation. 

Most people I know have tried once, yes ... 

but left after first trial because of poor results (at the firs moment), 

or because of scaring detox reaction... 

but they did not continue treatments, just continued taking pills.

Please note, this is just my very own experience, 

in no case any advice.

The Rhythms of Borrelias

One of the rhythms I am aware now is the lunar one.

I never felt troubled related to moon phases. 

But I am now. 

New moon and the day before and after... oh my goodness. 

Nothing stays the same but one is for sure.. 

nothing's getting better with new moon.

Another rhythm is my morning lag. 

Whatever bothers me, 

it is worse in the morning and getting better in the afternoon. 

Well, before I am getting tired again.

The third rhythm I found is night activity. 

One of the reasons might be the fact

that I know I won't find sleep unless I feel really exhausted, 

mind must be too tired to notice the pains

which become more evident with inactivity.

This causes an average sleep of about 4 hours

as I need to get up early on working days.

From time to time my fatigue is stronger than my troubles

and these are the nights I am sleeping 7 to 8 hours -

if possible. My husband had to get used to.

About stress, e-smog and how borrelias love it

I am happy that I am still part of the working world. 

Every Monday, Wednesday and Thursday 

I put my pains and trouble at side 

and throw myself into my job's tasks. 

This keeps me off thinking and feeling 

and checking and evaluating 

what's going on in my body and mind as to Lyme.

Fine! ... but.... stress becomes a problem more and more, 

and I feel stressed fast. 

What might have caused me a laugh at 30 years, 

have been a challenge at 40 years, 

has become an enormous attack on my body and mind nowadays. 

Hypersensible to e-smog (an office full of electric and electronic stuff) too, 

I feel my skills fading like snow in spring. 

One day work and I am done for the next. 

Thinking... God, let me retire as soon as possible. 

After a stressless weekend... I am motivated and really want to go on working.

An endless up and down. 

Yes, like a dance. 

Just have not yet found out the diverse rhythms. 

One for sure is work on/work off.

Bioresonance

I had another appointment for bioresonance treatment
after a break since early December 2011.
Well I felt scared because symptoms seem to proceed
although last bioresonance showed me off living borrelias.

So this time just some living borrelias was found in my brain
which means to me, regular biroresonance treatments 
may keep reproduction and flooding under control.


So my disfunctions and pains are caused by damages
already happened in the past
and they may hopefully fade or at least not get worse.